Frasier Gonzalez, The Enigmatic Frasier

Fighting Off The Demons - Excerpt From My Essay "A Critique on Relationships"

Growing up, I had an inescapable desire to better myself and always excel in everything I do. This relentless desire to push forward under favorable or disagreeable circumstances has been the force that helped me stay strong, always filling me with a feeling of life and self-fulfillment. I’ve yet to relent this feeling, that emotion of invincible prowess and tenor; that consciousness that takes home deep within me to satisfy the ephemeral palpitations of my heart, which at times in discord with my mind, wreaks havoc on my soul.

Those feelings that were at times destructive and self-loathing manifestations of my own demons, ones that persisted from my childhood and into adulthood, and that same nightmare that haunted me as a child and never tenders me any peace for a single night, are part of the same driving force that has shaped the core of my existence. To this day, this seemingly insatiable nightmare that manifests itself night after night continues to be part of my everyday feverish and endless, thoughtless, and many times reckless stream of consciousness.
Still, the same nightmare haunts me. And still, the same dreams keep me up at night, as I ward off the demons that come in the still of the night when my eyes are weary and my soul relinquishes itself to the force of sleep. When I can no longer hold the thought of those dreams long enough to block this nightmare from taking over, it takes me deeper into my subconscious to render me helpless against the malice and guise of everything that lurks inside. The nightmare persists, and so do my dreams in an incomprehensible and constant quarrel over control of my mind.

Yet, here I am in a different frame of mind, feeling my way around life as I’m trying to learn everything all over again and start anew.

Just recently, my life has taken a different sway in the winds of this ever-changing world. How is it that I can start all over again, when I’m already midway through my life? As it were, there is never a true beginning or end when it comes to living a life that generously awards us happiness even under the guise of pain and desolation. That same sensation that drives us to believe we are invincible is the same sensation that also makes us the most vulnerable. Yet, a resilient heart seldom yields to the woes of life and inexplicabilities of a natural and inconsistent world that can cast us back into its womb whenever it feels like it.

For now, in as much as it concerns my current situation and circumstances, I’m living for living and thriving for thriving. Even the fatalist tenor of this statement has its meaning deeply rooted in those darker moments of life and inconsequential despair.

As with anything else, it is always human relationships that change and shape our environment and circumstances. Many times, these relationships give us a sense of clarity, but clarity deceives us when our mind is at odds with its own thoughts and uttering these thoughts becomes a clumsy chore.

For all practicality, I would say that one’s future is for one alone to shape and live as best seen fit. The mystery and untold story of our future can be shaped by our immediate actions in the present. There is no mystery behind the present. This is where we are now at any given moment. We can choose to live it alone or with the company of someone else. The inexplicable nature of every man and woman is that we don’t want to live alone. We want to share our lives with people around us and perhaps a special someone who we embrace dearly.

Considering man’s predisposition for nurturing relationships, it’s quite consequential that we will seek the companionship of another person. Naturally, we yearn to find and tenuously accept someone as our soul mate. We are highly emotional and complex creatures who carelessly muddle through the minutia of human traits and characteristics only to find ourselves in circumstantial entrapment with another person. Soul compatibility is, after all, merely consequential.


1 comment:

  1. Love this statement. Showed that you worked on yourself a lot.